If you were pudding, what flavor would you be? 'Mom, what kind of question is that? Have you been drinking?' Will Bosworth. So much for trying to inspire creative thinking...

'I think I have to miss the first day of school.' Um, why? 'Because I think I'm allergic to mosquitos.' Will Bosworth. And so it begins....two weeks and counting.

'Mom, Owen and I are going to the baby department to get one of those plugs.' What? 'We need to go get one of those baby plug things to help that lady shut her baby up.' And a simple trip to Target takes on a whole new meaning as a search and rescue mission as the boys head off to locate a pacifier....

'Mom, your hair smells soooo good! It smells like church.' Well thank you, I think. 'It smells like when that guy throws the water at us in church.' 'Will, it doesn't smell like the water guy throwing, it smells like the bathroom at church.' 'No Owen, it smells like the praying part of church with the water-throwing guy!' 'No Will, Mom's hair smells like the bathroom with the flowers at church...' It started out as such a nice thing...

'Hey Mom I just took a picture of a rabbit.' Mumble, mumble, mumble...yeah, okay. 'It was the cutest little thing.' Yeah? 'It was eating this big green tomato and it looked sooo happy.' Yeah? That's good... 'When I tried to get close, it was all scared and ran into the fence and I think it might have hurt itself.' Wait a minute...what? 'The rabbit...in the garden...eating the tomato...I think it hurt itself trying to get out of the garden.' WHAT RABBIT?! 'The one in the vegetable garden. Weren't you listening to me?' Yes, I was listening to you! How did it get in the garden? 'Well, I left the door open so they wouldn't be hungry.' Owen Bosworth - about to be killed.

'Edward Cullen Vampire has a new movie?!!! And you won't take me?!!!! How am I going to learn anything if you won't take me?!!!' Will Bosworth. Apparently the mysteries of how to grow up as a 'real boy' are all hidden in the Twilight series, sigh....

'Hey Mom, when does my soccer start again?' Sometime in August, I think. Why? 'I'm going to play like an Italian so I can get those special kicks.' What? 'Yeah, watch!!!' Grabs his head and falls to the floor...writhing in fake pain. 'See, I can be an Italian too!' Owen Bosworth...watching too much World Cup, me thinks.

'WHAT DO I KNOW ABOUT LOVE?! I know all about love! It's kissing and hugging and, and, and...It's putting a scarf about a girl's eyes and taking her to .....something like rock climbing or somewhere else!' Will Bosworth. 'Um dude, that's called kidnapping.' Alex Bosworth.

'MOM, THE TOILET IS FLOODING!!!' Squish, plunge, squish, splash, plunge...gurgle,gurgle, gurgle, flush (that, of course, is the sound of plunging). Who's the man?! 'Mom, you're like the plunging queen of America.' Owen Bosworth. Imaging what that tiara would look like....

'Lord Jesus, thank you for people who make food. I make food. My mom used to make food but now she just makes grill stuff. I like it when she grills onions. And I like it when she grills other stuff too, but where's the beef stew? She used to make beef stew.' Um Will, can we move along? Is there something else you'd like to thank God for? 'Yeah. Corn season. Mom says you shouldn't eat corn unless it's corn season. And peaches. I LOOOOOVVVEEEE peaches. Thank you for peach season! And please help Alex to grow. She's real short. In your name we pray. Amen.' Will Bosworth. Obviously God has a sense of humor or this boy wouldn't be here...

'Mom, can I tell you a story?' Okay. 'There once was a boy named Will. He had many, many, many girlfriends but the one he loved best was called Megan. Megan loved him soooo much - well, they all loved him soooo much, but Megan was the best. So he went out on a date with Megan and she took him to the carwash because he loves the carwash. The end.' Will Bosworth. Such a romantic...

Okay, what do we know about manatees? 'They're camels.' Um, what? 'They're camels.' I'm not following you. 'They come up to the top of the water to breathe air. They have live babies, not eggs. They have warm blood. They're caaaaammmmmmmeeeeellllllllsssss.' Ooooh, mammals? 'Oh yeah, that's it.' Will Bosworth. Sometimes my science lessons work and sometimes....

'Hey Mom, we should have a Harry Potter triathlon!' What? 'It's going to rain all day. You know what you always say about rainy days?!' Um, it's good sleeping weather? 'Nnnnnooooo (laughing). It's a good day for a movie triathlon.' Oh sweetie, I think you're mixing up your athletic events. It's a good day for a Harry Potter MARATHON! 'Yeah, a marathon. That's it! I wonder what a Harry Potter 5k is? Maybe just one movie...' Will Bosworth.

'Mom, if you were a balloon, what color would you want to be?' Well, I guess I'd want to be red. What color would you want to be? 'Mom, people can't really be balloons so I don't even think about that stuff.' Will Bosworth.

'MOMMMM, how do I get a New York accent?' Well, I guess you move to New York. 'Why are you always messing with my head?! Why can't you just tell me?!' I am telling you. You have to move to New York. 'MMMMOOOOOMMMM! There is no place called New York! A New York accent is a funny voice that people make. Nobody reeeeaaalllly sounds like that. That would just be weird!' Will Bosworth. Sorry New York, my boy thinks you are all here for comedic relief.

'Dad, I can sleep and babysit at the same time. I'm just a natural multi-tasker.' Alex Bosworth. Ummmm....

'Mom, I think you should be on American Idol.' Oooohhhh, that's so nice. I'm really not any good though. 'Yeah, I know. You would be one of those funny bad people that make people laugh.' Will Bosworth. How many times can you disown a child...?

'So Stanley is older than you?!' What are you talking about? Who's Stanley? 'That guy.' What guy? 'The guy withe the cup. You said his cup hasn't visited Chicago since before you were born.' That is correct! Stanley and his cup have not been to Chicago since before I was born. That's why it's so exciting! 'But you're from Boston. When was the last time Stanley and his cup went to Boston?' Will Bosworth...kind of sucking the joy out of the moment.

'How many days in a month?' Owen. '32.' Will 'So that's 40 days in a month and a half. So if we practice soccer every day and she gives us dollars then we'll be rich and can buy a tv when school starts.' Owen. Slightly-misguided 6 year olds...very afraid of what these planning sessions will morph into by the time they are 10, however.

'Will, if you stick it up your nose, it'll come out your mouth. Or maybe your eye.' Owen. 'What about your ear? I think it might come out your ear too.' Will. 'Um noooo, Mom said those doctors are call eyes, mouth, nose. No ears!' Owen. Don't know what they were planning to stick up the nose, but more than a little afraid of the reasoning used here.

What do you want to do this summer? 'Well, I really want to break my arm so I can get a cast.' Will Bosworth. I guess you've got to have goals...

Owen, where did you get that bump on your head? 'Well I think I swallowed a lot of water in the pool yesterday and it all went to my head.' I guess that's one theory.

'My thumb on my foot is the biggest, but the thumb on my hand is the smallest. I wonder why.' Owen Bosworth. Anyone?

It's soccer! You're supposed to kick the ball, not carry the ball! 'No, we're supposed to win! When I kicked the ball we didn't win. But when I carried the ball, we won!' Owen Bosworth. Rugby maybe?

'Mom, when were you 6 1/2?' Do you mean what year? Ummmmmm, 1971. 'Did they make pots then?' Yes, they made pots way back then. 'Weren't you lonely?' Why would I be lonely? 'Because there weren't any people here yet.' Will Bosworth. Did I ever tell you about my good friends Adam & Eve....?

'Mom, am I a Norman?' Um, what? 'Am I a Norman?' I don't know what that means. 'NNNNNNooooorrrrrrmmmmmaaaaaannnnnn...am I a NORMAN?!' What's a Norman? 'It's this church that Tori's soccer girl goes to.' Ohhhhh, Mormon! No, you're not a Mormon. Owen Bosworth.

'So Mom, is there such an animal as a mammal that breathes water?' No. 'Mom, is there such an animal as a bird that breathes water?' No. 'Mom, is there such an animal as a mammal that lays eggs?' Well, the platypus is something like that but I think it's classified as a marsupial. It has all the characteristics of a mammal but lays eggs. 'Um, the answer I was looking for was no.' Will Bosworth...some teachers just can't handle the truth. (this conversation took place at 5:30 a.m. between Will - who was standing next to the bed - and his mother - who was still lying with eyes closed, in the bed.)

ATTENTION: it is Kindergarten Sunday today. My kids are still asleep and haven't had a chance to charm me with their ways yet so I will share some Kindergarten happenings instead. These are not quotes from my kids.

So the three types of matter are solid, liquid and what? 'Jell-O!' Scientific Kindergardener. I think he just figured out the fourth type of matter.

Who can give me an example of a solid? 'Um, I think a toilet is a solid. And cupcakes. Cupcakes are mostly a solid.' Little Man Kindergardener. I'm pretty sure I know what the priorities in his life are...

Just giving you a heads' up Alex, there are seeds in these grapes. 'What do you mean seeds?' I mean seeds. As in seeds. 'Mom, grapes don't have seeds.' Actually they do. We just always buy seedless ones. So just be careful and spit them out. 'Why would I spit them out?' Because they're seeds. 'Why can't I just swallow them?' I don't know. Just spit them out. 'But I swallow watermelon seeds.' You swallow watermelon seeds?! Why?! 'Because why not?' Because they're seeds! 'So?' ALEX, PEOPLE DON'T SWALLOW SEEDS! JUST SPIT THEM OUT! 'I think I like my way better. Yours is too much work.' FINE! JUST SWALLOW THE DAMNED SEEDS! Alex Bosworth...walks away smiling knowing that, yet again, she has engaged the mother in a battle the mother can never win. And the life force dwindles just a little bit more....

'Mom, Owen punched me across the face. Aaaaahhhhh!' What did you do? 'I pushed him down.' No, what did you do BEFORE he punched you across the face? 'I stabbed him.' I think punching you is an appropriate response. 'You are a mom. Moms are supposed to say GO TO YOUR ROOM OWEN AND DON'T PUNCH YOUR BROTHER ACROSS THE FACE!' What page is that on? 'What?' What page is that on in your rule book? I have to go re-read it. I don't remember that one at all. 'Mom, are you messing with my head?' Pretty much, yeah. 'Well I'm hungry and Owen took my grapes. You should send him to his room for that....' Will Bosworth. Thinking he can skip law school and go right into practice...

'Something is wrong.' Owen

'The shirt is okay. But the shorts don't match.' Will

'I like the shoes.' Owen

'You need earrings. But not big ones.' Will

'IT'S THE LIPS! Red doesn't match all this.' Owen

Um, get out of my closet and leave me alone. I know this is hard to believe, but I've been dressing myself successfully for a few decades now.

'What does successfully mean?' Owen

It means good. I've been dressing myself 'GOOD' for a few decades now.

'I don't actually believe any of that.' Owen Bosworth.

'My elbow has blood coming out of it (pointing to ankle). My leg has blood coming out of it. My finger has blood coming out of it. I think my tongue has blood coming out of it. I don't have much blood left. I think the rule says I can't go to school.' I don't even know what that means. 'you have to have some pounds of blood to go to school and I know I have grams instead.' Will Bosworth. With less than 14 hours left of his school year, he is still trying out new ways to stay home.

'DON'T KISS ANY BOYS!!!' Will Bosworth. Yelling out the front door after sister Alex as she leaves for school in the morning. I do believe I saw her shrink a little....

'I want mini-wheats for breakfast.' We're out of milk. How about toast? 'Oh come on Liz, you can do better than that.' 5:37 a.m. Will Bosworth gets sent to his room for the first time today...might be a new record.

So they rounded up all of the guys involved. The Sheriff's department and the Police department had a very busy day. 'Mom, what are you talking about?' A bunch of bad guys were arrested in Naperville last week. 'Why?' Well, they were selling stuff that they weren't supposed to. 'What were they selling, refrigerators?' Um, okay. Yes they were selling illegal refrigerators. 'Oh no, that was them making very bad choices, right? They should have been selling the refrigerators out of a store and not out of their houses, right?' Yeah, right... HEADLINE: Naperville Police and County Sheriff's Department bust an illegal refrigerator ring! The people are now safe!!

'Mom, if the ceiling fan cuts Will's head off then there will be two Wills but only one of them can see.' Owen Bosworth...plotting and scheming the brothers demise yet again.

ATTENTION: These are not quotes from my kids. For many years now I have been delivering meals to seniors through our local Meals-on-Wheels program. Seniors are funny! This is some of what I can expect to hear on a weekly basis.

'Did I tell you I was in a car crash?' Oh my gosh, no! Are you okay? Wait a minute...you don't drive. 'Well in 1972 that damn car came out of nowhere! Figures it was a woman driver too!' Um yeah...might be time to let that one go.

'DIABETIC?! I'M NOT A DIABETIC!' Well, you've been receiving diabetic meals for at least the last three years. 'Oh wait, I am a diabetic. It's my daughter who can eat the good stuff.' Sounds like someone has been dipping into 'the good stuff'...

'Well my kids moved out so I had to start taking my dogs to get those big pictures taken so I would have something to put up on the wall.' In response to me commenting on the 18 x 20" pictures of his dogs on the walls of his home. No pictures of any people in sight...

'I feel like a grown-up.' Why? 'Cause grown-ups put new eyes in every day and take their eyes out at night, right?' Um, ok. 'Well I feel like my eye just fell out and I can't see.' Will Bosworth. I wonder if I can sell this to the Bausch-Lomb people for their marketing campaign?

Why haven't you guys taken a shower yet? You should be ready for bed by now. 'Dad's teaching us how to play quarters.' Owen Bosworth. Um, what?

'The pounds of my foot at 428.' Will Bosworth. Translation: When I step on the scale, it tells me that I weigh 42.8 pounds.

Will, all I hear from you is wah wah wah wah (puppet hand motion, trying to sound like Charlie Brown's teacher) wah wah wah. 'Mom, there aren't even any w's in what I'm saying so where do you get that?' Will Bosworth.

'Mom, why did you write 'Will'? Because it's about you. 'No, why does it have a lot of 'l's and a lot of 'i's?' Oh, that's me yelling at you. 'What were you yelling at me about?' Well, each one is a different thing. They are all things that are funny though. 'But Mom, there are sooo many. Hey, I guess that tells me that I'm a funny guy.' Will Bosworth. Looking over my shoulder at my blog notes...choosing only to see the good.

'Mom, my stomach is grumbling.' Yeah, what does that mean? 'It means it's time to make the cupcakes.' Will Bosworth.

'Mom, Alex tried to kill us last night! And she made us take a shower.' Will Bosworth. I always wake up a little bit scared waiting for the morning-after report (morning after babysitting night, that is).

'Mom, these are my SUPER shinguard!' Why? 'Because the ball hits them and bounces off them and hits the other guy in the stomach and he dies!!!' (fingers have turned into guns and shooting noises emanate from him as he dances around the room) Really? 'Well yeah, then it's easier to just run right by him and get a goal.'

'Hey Mom, what's that stuff you spray on our pants to get the green stuff out?' Shout? 'Oh yeah. Can I have some of that?' Doing laundry again? 'Nooooo silly (giggling). I have stains on my knees that won't come out. I think it's dirt.' Owen Bosworth. Soap or Shout, which to use....?

ATTENTION: Today's quotes are not from my kids. I volunteer in my sons' classrooms during the week and am privy to an extraordinary amount of Kindergarten common sense. Thought I would share some with you. It being Sunday and all, I thought I would give my own kids the day off.

'The toilet keeps flushing and there's nobody in there. I think we should evacuate the building.' Concerned Kindergardener

'How am I supposed to write about dinosaurs? They're all dead. What am I going to go to the zoo and say hey, can I go watch the dead dinosaurs to see what they do?' Um, nice try. Get to work. Future attorney kindergardener.

'Oh yeah, you think Justin Bieber is so cool?! I could take him in a fight!' Trash-talking Kindergardener.

'MOM, MY GUTS ARE COMING OUT! AHHHHHH! IT'S REALLY BADDDDDD!!!' What's wrong? 'Tori hit me with the hockey stick and my guts are coming out!' Crying, screaming, hysterical. 'I need to go to the hospital right away!' Um Will, that's a dandelion smashed on your knee. 'Are you sure? It really looks like guts. And it hurts like it's guts coming out.' No, see you can peel it right off. It's a flower. 'Oh, can I at least have a band aid?' No.

'Mom, you look faaaabbbbuuuulllllooouuussss!' Really, which part of the outfit won you over, the sweatshirt or the jeans? 'Mom, work with me, I have something big to ask for and I need you in a good mood.' Will Bosworth.

How was soccer practice? 'It was great my lovish Liz!' Will Bosworth.

How was soccer practice? 'BAD. We had to run and then do laps and then kick the ball....' Isn't that what soccer is all about? 'NO. Soccer is supposed to be fun.' Oh no, you have it all wrong. Soccer is about running and more running and kicking the ball. If you want fun, I'll sign you up for ballet. 'Very funny MOM.' Owen Bosworth. Same soccer practice...two different interpretations....

'Lord Jesus, please help the people who can't pray. Please help the sick people. Please help Haiti and Africa. Please put their buildings back up. And God, please don't let the meteor hit our house.' Will Bosworth. Adler Planetarium, I don't think I have the right words to thank you for showing that meteor that hit that house in IL...

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! 'I'm brushing my teeth.' WITH YOUR SHIRT?! 'Will got toothpaste on my shirt and I didn't want to waste it.' Owen Bosworth.

'Mom, what do you love more, our cat or the outside world?' I can't really answer that. I love them both and would be so sad if I couldn't see either of them again. 'I knew you'd say that! I tricked you!!!' Will Bosworth...killing himself laughing.

'Mom, what was your favorite thing today? I don't really mean that, I just wanted you to ask me what my favorite thing was today.' Ooookkkkk, so what was your favorite thing today? 'I forget.' Owen Bosworth, once again displaying that selfless heart of his....

'OOOOOHHHHHH, my body is sticked together like glue! I need to stretch!' Will Bosworth making a very dramatic show of his unique stretching techniques. Bolt upright...revelation. 'Hey Mom, I know why old people break so much.' Um, why? 'Because their glue turns to cement and they break when they stretch!' Ahhh, yet another one of life's mysteries solved.

Father, Son, Holy Spirit. What's that called? 'Three guys together?' Owen Bosworth. Guess you have to be Christian to understand this one...

'I am so tired that I can't function.' Alex Bosworth, barely holding back the tears.

'WHERE ARE MY GREEN CONVERSE?!! I CAN'T FIND THEM!' Why don't you just wear another pair? 'MOM, THOSE ARE THE BEST! I DON'T WANT TO WEAR ANOTHER PAIR!' Tori Bosworth, apparently someone took her shoes and hid them on her while she was sleeping - again.

'I hate oatmeal. Why can't I just have peanut butter? Why are you always trying to kill me with breakfast?' Will Bosworth, head on the table, about to be sent back to his room.

'Mom, I love you and know that I'm your favorite.' Owen Bosworth, brilliantly beaming, realizing that he has hit the jackpot for the day.

'Lord Jesus please help my Dad to get done with work earlier. Oh, I guess I should call him Tim. His name is Tim. Well, his name is Tim Bosworth. His full name is Timothy Bosworth. (whispering) Mom, what's his other name? The one that we don't say?' I don't think you need that. 'Lord Jesus, I can't remember his other name and my Mom won't tell me what it is, but can you make Timothy Bosworth get done with work earlier so we can go on a bike ride? Or maybe baseball and I want to go skating but I know the skating time is during the middle of the day....and, and, and...' Just say Amen, Will. God gets it.

'Every single light in this house is on! Are you suddenly rich or something?' Will Bosworth. It's like looking down into the face of my father...

'Hugely overweight guy. On a motorcycle. Without a helmet. Smoking a cigarette. I count about 9 ways for him to die right now without really looking closely at the individual pieces of the big picture.' Alex Bosworth. I couldn't have said it better myself.

'Mom, President Obama was wrong.' Why? 'Remember when he was on TV and he said that every time you try something new you're going to be bad at it until you practice and practice?' Yeeeesss? 'This is my first time with this new egg-breaking way and I'm really good at it. Think I should call him and tell him?' Let this be a lesson everyone...you should cook with your kids! You never know what might come up.

'Mom, how much minutes till the morning?' It is the morning now. 'No, how much minutes until the light comes out?' Well, it's going to rain all day so the light may not come out. 'Doesn't the book say that if the light doesn't come out we don't go to school?' What book? 'Um, the RULE BOOK, Mom' (barely able to tolerate my ignorance) Will Bosworth. Another reason to hate rainy days....

'What did you put in my coffee?' Heavy whipping cream. 'What's heavy whipping cream?' The stuff that I make whipped cream out of. We're out of milk. It should be amazing, all thick and creamy. 'Yeeeaaahhh, I don't know. Are you sure it's not some goat rice soy breast milk? I'm not sure about the stuff you substitute with. I'm not drinking it.' I promised not to quote the husband, but I just couldn't resist this one....

'Lord Jesus, thank you for corn. That's it. That's all I've got.' Will Bosworth. Some days are better than others.

Owen, what was your favorite part of your day today? 'Did I go to school today?' Yes. 'Well, it wasn't that.' Owen Bosworth.

'Lord Jesus, please make the bad kids in my class be good and the good kids in my class get presents.' Will Bosworth. Anyone want to guess which category he falls into?

'Mom, I didn't pee in my bed, I peed in my pajamas...in my bed.' Will Bosworth

'YOU JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND!' Alex or Victoria Bosworth...on any given day...at any given time. I know this one isn't really funny, but since it is spoken (yelled) so frequently here, I thought it deserved a place of honor simply because it is so consistently a part of our interaction with each other.

'MOM, I FLATULATED!' What?! 'I flatulated.' Where did you learn that? 'Mrs. Moore told us that saying fart is not right. We're supposed to say we flatulated.' Ahh. 'Oh, there it goes again...I think I have a flatulated issue.' Owen Bosworth, making sure to flatulate as much as possible so as to be able to use his new word. The sisters are not at all happy about this...

'Mikayla, you look very grown up. Are you 11? Well you look 13 today.(wink)' Will Bosworth. To be a priest or a sleazy lounge guy, that is the question.

'Lord Jesus, thank you for our food. (whisper) Mom, are calories good or bad?' They're okay. '(normal voice) And thank you for the calories in our food. I hope we get more and more.' Will Bosworth. Guess I answered that one wrong, eh?

'I know I'm sick with something, I just don't know what yet.' Zachary's coming over after school today. 'Oooooh, I can be sick tomorrow instead.' Will Bosworth

'Lord Jesus, thank you for the guys who aren't trying to kill us.' Owen Bosworth

'Mom, Tori said I'm a baby.' Are you a baby? 'Mom, can't we just skip all that talk and go right away to where you say do you want me to beat her up? Yes, I want you to beat her up.' Will Bosworth

'Mom, there's the good word side and the bad word side. You keep crossing over the bad word line into the bad word side.' Will Bosworth. Still trying to save my soul....

'So God loves us so much that He likes to play with us ....like Lego guys or Thomas guys or something. I think more like Lego guys because the Thomas guys don't have legs that move.' Will Bosworth. Yet another interesting take on the Bible.

'She started having those contraptions or something. The baby is coming out today I guess.' Owen Bosworth. Contraptions?! Ahhhh.....

'Mom, the number 1 rule...no kissing in the lunchroom.' Owen Bosworth. Oy, why can't I ever get these rules right?

'So the person dies and they bury the body and it goes to Haiti. They take the heart out and give it to the baby and then put the baby in the Mama's tummy and the baby is born. Then the baby grows and grows and becomes 100 and dies and they bury the body and it goes to Haiti....' Will Bosworth.

'Um Will, they have to take the heart out before they bury the body and it goes to Haiti otherwise they can't get the heart out.' Owen Bosworth.

You lost me at 'the body goes to Haiti'.

'Mom, you know...HHHHAAAAIIIIITTTTIIII.' Will Bosworth

I still don't get it.

'Mom, the place from Percy Jackson where the devil lives.' Owen Bosworth (the duh is strongly implied)

Ahhhh, Hades...

Conclusion...my discussions on organ donation and recycling have meshed into one with a little Greek mythology thrown in for good measure. Real question...how much is this going to cost me in therapy bills?

'AAAAGGGGGHHHHH! AAAAGGGHHHHH!!' What is going on in here?! 'He hit me!' Will. Why did you hit him? 'I hit him in the nose on accident.' Owen. 'He hit me in the eye!! Ohhhh it hurts!' Will. If he hit you in the eye then why is your nose bleeding? 'MY NOSE IS BLEEDING?!!! AHHHHHH, my nose, my nose....it hurts soooo bad!!!!' Oh dear God.

'Hey Mom, how was your day today?' Good. 'Did you go shopping for my birthday presents?' Yup. 'Did I get anything good?' Nope. 'You'd tell me if you got me something good, wouldn't you?' Nope. 'Want me to wrap them for you?' Them implies more than one present. 'Yup'. Victoria Bosworth. Love this stage in their lives....

'MOM I was fast as a vampire! Like an Edward Cullen vampire, not like a bat vampire. They dawdle.' Will Bosworth

'And deliver us from evil, Amen. HEY I KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!!!' You do? 'Yeah, on the Indiana Jones level 1 there is all this evil and then you get the Indiana Jones guy to go to the next level and he escapes the evil!' I don't remember Indiana Jones going to another level? 'Mom, it's a game. Geez.' Owen Bosworth. Ah, the mighty Wii...the legend and the lessons continue.

Will, did you brush your teeth? 'Yup' No, you didn't, go brush your teeth!

Will, did you wash your face? 'Yup' No, you didn't, go wash your face!

Will, did you finish breakfast? 'Yup' No, you didn't, go eat breakfast!

Will, did you get dressed? 'Yup' Oh now, come on...I can see you. Go get dressed!

'Today's my lying day, Mama so it's okay.' Hmmmmm....

Surely they will stop being strange and funny the day after I start a blog about how strange and funny they are - my mouth said this to my brain over and over again for the last several months. As if. For all of you who know Alex or have watched her 'persuasiveness' over the last year, here is yet another installment.... (left on my pillow last night)

Dear Mom & Dad,

Sorry for the late notice. I hope this doesn't make your life harder than it has to be. You probably already know what I want for my Birthday but just in case you forgot, I will refresh your memory. If this is too difficult I will also accept 10's and 20's. The following is my Birthday list:

- A cell phone (PLEASE)

- A Facebook (PLEASE)

- A hair straightener

- Shorts (jean and sports)

- tops (camis, graphic tees, etc)

- Accessories (bracelets, earrings, necklaces)

- Nail polish

- Flip-flops (any color is fine)

- Converse ( a cool, not normal, color or pattern)

- New ear-phones (the ones iwth only one ear bud are starting to get a little annoying).

Thank you very much

Your favorite Child,

Alex

Hmmmm. She is still the most thoughtful child, eh? As you might have guessed, it's that time of the year again....birthday. Tomorrow the sisters will turn 12. Must go shopping today.

'Robin Rescues Dinner' Will Bosworth sounding out the title of my new cookbook. Hey great job, Will! 'Is this really Robin?' Yup, she's got a show on the Food Network. Have you seen it? 'Mom, is this really Robin?' Yes. 'So it's really a girl with Batman?' What? 'Robin...you know, the guy with Batman! It's really a girl?' Um, different Robin. Poor boy is devastated.

This blog was actually started on Facebook many months ago, although I didn't know it at the time. Because of this, I am starting today with some highlights from the last few months. Tomorrow will be the real start of the 'Avec Worm(s)' blog. BTW, I chose the name Avec Worm(s) because I believe that all lives, even the funniest and best, come with a few worms in them. (Avec is the French word for 'with') Also, if you look at the letters, they stand for - Alexandra Victoria Elizabeth Catherine William Owen Raymond Michael. Those are my kids' first and middle names - in order. Cool, right? So here goes...

Liz Butler Bosworth Tori, if you stood in the backyard smoking a cigarette in front of me, I would still like you better than the other three today. 'Nice Mom.' I don't see this day going well.

Liz Butler Bosworth Who ate these cookies? 'I did because you wouldn't wake up and feed me (translation: I slept until 6:00 a.m. instead of 5:00 a.m.). You told me you put oatmeal in those cookies and that's a breakfast stuff. That was such a good idea to make cookies you can eat for dessert and breakfast!' Will Bosworth. Yeah, that's just the kind of mother I am...always thinking of how to consolidate meal foods...

Liz Butler Bosworth 'Mom, you know what I like best about chocolate milk?' what? 'um, the chocolate, whatdayathink?' Owen Bosworth

Liz Butler Bosworth 'Mom, I can't go to school today - I'm sick.' There isn't any school today. 'Is it a holiday?' (remarkably perked up) No, it's Sunday. 'Ooooooh, then I am way too sick to go to churrrrrrcccchhhhh.' Will Bosworth. Really? Is this ever going to end?

Liz Butler Bosworth 'just be QUIET, you dramatic hypochondriac!' Alex Bosworth...the original dramatic hypochondriac.

Liz Butler Bosworth 'Mom, can you make me a smoothie?' no 'here are the strawberries' no 'I got you the milk' no 'Mom, I could only find vanilla yogurt, is that okay?' no 'here's the blenderrrrrr.....' SMASH! WWWWIIIILLLLL, IT'S NOT EVEN 7:30 YET AND YOU HAVE SUCKED THE LIFE OUT OF ME!! 'HA! I am so your favorite!' Victoria Bosworth.

Liz Butler Bosworth 'I want a brownie but I don't want the crust.' Will Bosworth. huh?

Liz Butler Bosworth 'Mama, I'm a mess. I feel like my arm is broken and I hurt worse than anyone has ever hurt.' Will Bosworth...'OOOOWWWWWW, my leg, my leg...ahhhhh!' Owen Bosworth. Attention: Two short dramatic actors free to a good home...possible Oscar nomination in one or both of their future lives.

Liz Butler Bosworth 'MOOOOOOMMMMMMM!!!' What?! 'I just peed without using my hands! I a M-A-N!' Owen Bosworth. Excellent.

Liz Butler Bosworth what's your favorite part of vacation so far? 'ummm, I really like the elevators (at the hotel)! They're so cool!!' Owen Bosworth. Sorry Nashville, that's as good as it gets for him...

Liz Butler Bosworth 'we need another suitcase.' why? 'well, we have one for the majamas and chocolate milk and now we need one for the clothes.' Owen Bosworth.

Liz Butler Bosworth 'sweet mama, I'm bringing you down! Bring your pretty self over here!' Owen Bosworth (said to Will during a sword fight)

Liz Butler Bosworth 'Mom, I need to move to Mexico.' Um, why? 'I'm not a fan of underwear and you can't be an American if you don't wear underwear. Mexico is pretty close, right so I could still see all of you.' Will Bosworth. I don't know....

Liz Butler Bosworth 'It feels like I have a sword in my ear. I have a sored ear and can't go to school.' Will Bosworth...reason #584 for not going to school.

Liz Butler Bosworth 'this tastes like poison ivy.' Owen Bosworth...apparently not loving his dinner.

Liz Butler Bosworth 'I can see my little man boobs, little man boobs, little man boobs. I can see my little man boobs oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah!' sung to the tune of Mary Had A Little Lamb - at the top of his lungs...Owen Bosworth.

Liz Butler Bosworth 'Mom, I've been thinking about our vacation and I don't think we should go.' Why 'I think it's too dangerous.' Why 'Because the lava shoots out of the volcanos and goes down the side and goes into the ocean and makes other islands! But that sounds kind of dangerous.' Um well yeah,that does sound dangerous but I don't think it happens that often in Memphis so I think we're okay. Owen Bosworth

Liz Butler Bosworth '...on a foggy day I don't feel like it's a good school day. What day is today?' Monday 'oh, on Monday's I don't feel like it's a good school day either. I think last Monday was a bad school day too.' Will Bosworth starting his list of reasons for it not being a good school day.

Liz Butler Bosworth Did you clean your room? 'His belly hurts and my eyes are square so we can't' Will Bosworth

Liz Butler Bosworth Owen, what are you eating (at 8:15am)? 'Candy. But don't worry, it's not spicy.' What a relief....

Liz Butler Bosworth '...I'm not tattling, I'm just telling you that Owen spilled water under the table in our room and you should punish him.' Will Bosworth

Liz Butler Bosworth 'my belly and my foot and my neck are asleep. and the parts that are awake don't want to go to school.' Owen Bosworth

Liz Butler Bosworth 'Abe had wooden teeth.' Owen 'Why? That's so gross.' Will 'He didn't brush his teeth and he didn't eat broccoli' Owen 'Broccoli is good. My new toothbrush has special brussel sprouts that are blue on the edge to brush my gums.' Will 'I think Abe is dead, but I don't know about George.' Owen Conversation in the back seat between Will & Owen on the way home from the dentist.

Liz Butler Bosworth 'Mom, my hair is so long now that my goat lick is back.' Ummmm, do you mean cowlick? Owen Bosworth

Liz Butler Bosworth OWEN you're still naked!!! 'ooooh yeah, I remembered to take my clothes off, I just forgot to put the new ones ooooooonnn.' Owen Bosworth...sometimes I guess you just forget things....

Liz Butler Bosworth 'I hope the maple trees win this one!' Owen Bosworth 'they're not maple trees, you idiot! They're Canadians!' Alex Bosworth

Liz Butler Bosworth 'Mom, you're definitely right - the toothfairy has swine flu. She was too sick to come and give me money AGAIN last night!' Owen Bosworth

Liz Butler Bosworth 'Mom, don't put our stuff away while we're at school. We're making a bomb and we don't want you to mess it up.' Will Bosworth

Liz Butler Bosworth 'AAAAAGGGGHHHHH!!!!' What's wrong? 'I just stabbed the inside of my mouth with a fork!' How did that happen? 'MOM, I DON'T HAVE EYES INSIDE MY MOUTH!' Will Bosworth. Sadly Owen Bosworth did the same thing about an hour later. I don't remember having many fork-in-the-mouth casualties before...full moon?

Liz Butler Bosworth 'MOM!!!! I want to wear the guitar underwear and Owen has them on!!! They're mine!!!' There are two pair of guitar underwear...wear the other ones. 'But the other ones are white. I want to wear the black ones. The black ones are cooler!'(whisper, suggesting conspiracy) Come here...the white ones make you smarter...don't tell. Go put them on. 'I don't want to be smarter, I want to be cooler! Forget it, I'm not wearing any...' Will Bosworth

Liz Butler Bosworth 'Mom on Monday at 9/8 central there's a Handy Manny Marathon! Wanna go?!' What? 'A Marathon, Mom!' Oh they're not talking about running a race, it's a bunch of TV show back to back. 'Oh' Will Bosworth...obviously disappointed.

Liz Butler Bosworth 'Give me the gun and go brush your teeth NOW!' Somehow when I envisioned parenthood, I never saw these words coming out of my mouth....

Liz Butler Bosworth if you don't get out of bed right now, I'm turning the lights on!! 'Mom, we can sleep with the lights on' Will Bosworth (before even opening his eyes for the day)

Liz Butler Bosworth 'Will, how come you're so smart?' 'Well because I'm in Kindergarten. When you get to Kindergarten, you will know everything too.' Conversation between Will Bosworth and his Webkinz friend Quacker-Doodle (Will being the voice of Quacker-Doodle also)

Liz Butler Bosworth sung to the tune of 'Mambo Italiano' 'Hey mango, mango with big fat toes! Hey mango, Mango with big fat toes!' Isn't that the best song EVER!' Will Bosworth

Liz Butler Bosworth 'Mom, married people don't have fun, they go to core class together' Will, that's a fun thing to do together. 'ya sure...you're so funny Mom' Will Bosworth

Liz Butler Bosworth 'Mom, I know what a cantaloupe is. It's a deer.' Owen Bosworth

Liz Butler Bosworth 'Mom, you put the lunch box in the wrong backpack. That's okay though...old people always forget things.' Owen Bosworth

Liz Butler Bosworth 'can you get me some chocolate milk Mom?' No 'Can you get me some champagne then?' Owen Bosworth

Liz Butler Bosworth 'Mom I made my own sandwich for breakfast already!' You did? What kind of sandwich did you make? 'Mayonnaise and syrup with bread! Do you want me to make you one?' Will Bosworth

Liz Butler Bosworth 'do you want to be a booger doctor like me when you grow up?' 'No, I want to be a pizza delivery boy.' Conversation between ENT doc and Will Bosworth.

Liz Butler Bosworth Big secret...don't tell anyone...Will just told me that he saw the perfect gift for his Grandma Sally on TV! (excitement building...drum roll) A toothpaste rack!!! 'It is white and has a place for toothpaste and toothbrushes and the toothpaste rolls up and, and, and I don't think they sell it at the mall! You can only get it on TV. I have my dollars! I hope they have some left!'

Liz Butler Bosworth 'mom, sharks kill people, right?' only about 6 per year on the whole planet. Eyes wide, big blink 'so if a shark attacked, it would eat our whole family!' huh? 'well there are six of us'...deep-sea scuba diving family trip in Lake Michigan - cancelled.

Liz Butler Bosworth 'notice the contrast...I want a facebook page and she wants a Nerf gun' Alex Bosworth...referring to comments that she and her sister (twin sister) had made moments earlier on what they wanted for Christmas.

Liz Butler Bosworth has got two five-year old boys for sale....or trade.

Liz Butler Bosworth 'I'm going to the bus stop now' The bus doesn't come for 13 more minutes and it's pouring outside. Why are you going now? 'because it's just sooooo boring around here.' Victoria Bosworth

Liz Butler Bosworth 'Mom, what are these muffins called again?' Lemon-poppy seed. 'Mom, are there lemons in here?' Yes. (pause, eyes go wide, slight quiver to chin, voice gets shaky) 'Mom, are there puppies in here?!!'

Liz Butler Bosworth 'Mom, should we put blood on our door so the angel of death will pass over us?' out of the blue breakfast conversation from Will this morning. No, I think we're okay. That was a long time ago and they had a warning. 'How did the angel of death kill people?' I don't know, but I don't think it caused any damage to the buildings. 'Ahhhhh, lasers then!'

Liz Butler Bosworth 'Mom, I think we should go Laser Tagging as a family this weekend' No. 'Mom, it would be just like family counseling' No...do we need family counseling? 'Mommmmm, everrrryyyybody needs family counseling!' Victoria Bosworth. She may just win this request...

Liz Butler Bosworth 'when did my brother become Dr. Phil?' Alex Bosworth (after Will told her to 'embrace the day and stop whining!')

Liz Butler Bosworth 'I'm not a fan of underwear' Will Bosworth

Liz Butler Bosworth 'boxing is the only punching sport. I wish tennis was a punching sport.' Owen Bosworth