ATTENTION: it is Kindergarten Sunday today. My kids are still asleep and haven't had a chance to charm me with their ways yet so I will share some Kindergarten happenings instead. These are not quotes from my kids.

So the three types of matter are solid, liquid and what? 'Jell-O!' Scientific Kindergardener. I think he just figured out the fourth type of matter.

Who can give me an example of a solid? 'Um, I think a toilet is a solid. And cupcakes. Cupcakes are mostly a solid.' Little Man Kindergardener. I'm pretty sure I know what the priorities in his life are...

Just giving you a heads' up Alex, there are seeds in these grapes. 'What do you mean seeds?' I mean seeds. As in seeds. 'Mom, grapes don't have seeds.' Actually they do. We just always buy seedless ones. So just be careful and spit them out. 'Why would I spit them out?' Because they're seeds. 'Why can't I just swallow them?' I don't know. Just spit them out. 'But I swallow watermelon seeds.' You swallow watermelon seeds?! Why?! 'Because why not?' Because they're seeds! 'So?' ALEX, PEOPLE DON'T SWALLOW SEEDS! JUST SPIT THEM OUT! 'I think I like my way better. Yours is too much work.' FINE! JUST SWALLOW THE DAMNED SEEDS! Alex Bosworth...walks away smiling knowing that, yet again, she has engaged the mother in a battle the mother can never win. And the life force dwindles just a little bit more....

'Mom, Owen punched me across the face. Aaaaahhhhh!' What did you do? 'I pushed him down.' No, what did you do BEFORE he punched you across the face? 'I stabbed him.' I think punching you is an appropriate response. 'You are a mom. Moms are supposed to say GO TO YOUR ROOM OWEN AND DON'T PUNCH YOUR BROTHER ACROSS THE FACE!' What page is that on? 'What?' What page is that on in your rule book? I have to go re-read it. I don't remember that one at all. 'Mom, are you messing with my head?' Pretty much, yeah. 'Well I'm hungry and Owen took my grapes. You should send him to his room for that....' Will Bosworth. Thinking he can skip law school and go right into practice...

'Something is wrong.' Owen

'The shirt is okay. But the shorts don't match.' Will

'I like the shoes.' Owen

'You need earrings. But not big ones.' Will

'IT'S THE LIPS! Red doesn't match all this.' Owen

Um, get out of my closet and leave me alone. I know this is hard to believe, but I've been dressing myself successfully for a few decades now.

'What does successfully mean?' Owen

It means good. I've been dressing myself 'GOOD' for a few decades now.

'I don't actually believe any of that.' Owen Bosworth.

'My elbow has blood coming out of it (pointing to ankle). My leg has blood coming out of it. My finger has blood coming out of it. I think my tongue has blood coming out of it. I don't have much blood left. I think the rule says I can't go to school.' I don't even know what that means. 'you have to have some pounds of blood to go to school and I know I have grams instead.' Will Bosworth. With less than 14 hours left of his school year, he is still trying out new ways to stay home.

'DON'T KISS ANY BOYS!!!' Will Bosworth. Yelling out the front door after sister Alex as she leaves for school in the morning. I do believe I saw her shrink a little....

'I want mini-wheats for breakfast.' We're out of milk. How about toast? 'Oh come on Liz, you can do better than that.' 5:37 a.m. Will Bosworth gets sent to his room for the first time today...might be a new record.

So they rounded up all of the guys involved. The Sheriff's department and the Police department had a very busy day. 'Mom, what are you talking about?' A bunch of bad guys were arrested in Naperville last week. 'Why?' Well, they were selling stuff that they weren't supposed to. 'What were they selling, refrigerators?' Um, okay. Yes they were selling illegal refrigerators. 'Oh no, that was them making very bad choices, right? They should have been selling the refrigerators out of a store and not out of their houses, right?' Yeah, right... HEADLINE: Naperville Police and County Sheriff's Department bust an illegal refrigerator ring! The people are now safe!!

'Mom, if the ceiling fan cuts Will's head off then there will be two Wills but only one of them can see.' Owen Bosworth...plotting and scheming the brothers demise yet again.

ATTENTION: These are not quotes from my kids. For many years now I have been delivering meals to seniors through our local Meals-on-Wheels program. Seniors are funny! This is some of what I can expect to hear on a weekly basis.

'Did I tell you I was in a car crash?' Oh my gosh, no! Are you okay? Wait a minute...you don't drive. 'Well in 1972 that damn car came out of nowhere! Figures it was a woman driver too!' Um yeah...might be time to let that one go.

'DIABETIC?! I'M NOT A DIABETIC!' Well, you've been receiving diabetic meals for at least the last three years. 'Oh wait, I am a diabetic. It's my daughter who can eat the good stuff.' Sounds like someone has been dipping into 'the good stuff'...

'Well my kids moved out so I had to start taking my dogs to get those big pictures taken so I would have something to put up on the wall.' In response to me commenting on the 18 x 20" pictures of his dogs on the walls of his home. No pictures of any people in sight...

'I feel like a grown-up.' Why? 'Cause grown-ups put new eyes in every day and take their eyes out at night, right?' Um, ok. 'Well I feel like my eye just fell out and I can't see.' Will Bosworth. I wonder if I can sell this to the Bausch-Lomb people for their marketing campaign?

Why haven't you guys taken a shower yet? You should be ready for bed by now. 'Dad's teaching us how to play quarters.' Owen Bosworth. Um, what?

'The pounds of my foot at 428.' Will Bosworth. Translation: When I step on the scale, it tells me that I weigh 42.8 pounds.

Will, all I hear from you is wah wah wah wah (puppet hand motion, trying to sound like Charlie Brown's teacher) wah wah wah. 'Mom, there aren't even any w's in what I'm saying so where do you get that?' Will Bosworth.

'Mom, why did you write 'Will'? Because it's about you. 'No, why does it have a lot of 'l's and a lot of 'i's?' Oh, that's me yelling at you. 'What were you yelling at me about?' Well, each one is a different thing. They are all things that are funny though. 'But Mom, there are sooo many. Hey, I guess that tells me that I'm a funny guy.' Will Bosworth. Looking over my shoulder at my blog notes...choosing only to see the good.

'Mom, my stomach is grumbling.' Yeah, what does that mean? 'It means it's time to make the cupcakes.' Will Bosworth.

'Mom, Alex tried to kill us last night! And she made us take a shower.' Will Bosworth. I always wake up a little bit scared waiting for the morning-after report (morning after babysitting night, that is).

'Mom, these are my SUPER shinguard!' Why? 'Because the ball hits them and bounces off them and hits the other guy in the stomach and he dies!!!' (fingers have turned into guns and shooting noises emanate from him as he dances around the room) Really? 'Well yeah, then it's easier to just run right by him and get a goal.'

'Hey Mom, what's that stuff you spray on our pants to get the green stuff out?' Shout? 'Oh yeah. Can I have some of that?' Doing laundry again? 'Nooooo silly (giggling). I have stains on my knees that won't come out. I think it's dirt.' Owen Bosworth. Soap or Shout, which to use....?

ATTENTION: Today's quotes are not from my kids. I volunteer in my sons' classrooms during the week and am privy to an extraordinary amount of Kindergarten common sense. Thought I would share some with you. It being Sunday and all, I thought I would give my own kids the day off.

'The toilet keeps flushing and there's nobody in there. I think we should evacuate the building.' Concerned Kindergardener

'How am I supposed to write about dinosaurs? They're all dead. What am I going to go to the zoo and say hey, can I go watch the dead dinosaurs to see what they do?' Um, nice try. Get to work. Future attorney kindergardener.

'Oh yeah, you think Justin Bieber is so cool?! I could take him in a fight!' Trash-talking Kindergardener.

'MOM, MY GUTS ARE COMING OUT! AHHHHHH! IT'S REALLY BADDDDDD!!!' What's wrong? 'Tori hit me with the hockey stick and my guts are coming out!' Crying, screaming, hysterical. 'I need to go to the hospital right away!' Um Will, that's a dandelion smashed on your knee. 'Are you sure? It really looks like guts. And it hurts like it's guts coming out.' No, see you can peel it right off. It's a flower. 'Oh, can I at least have a band aid?' No.

'Mom, you look faaaabbbbuuuulllllooouuussss!' Really, which part of the outfit won you over, the sweatshirt or the jeans? 'Mom, work with me, I have something big to ask for and I need you in a good mood.' Will Bosworth.

How was soccer practice? 'It was great my lovish Liz!' Will Bosworth.

How was soccer practice? 'BAD. We had to run and then do laps and then kick the ball....' Isn't that what soccer is all about? 'NO. Soccer is supposed to be fun.' Oh no, you have it all wrong. Soccer is about running and more running and kicking the ball. If you want fun, I'll sign you up for ballet. 'Very funny MOM.' Owen Bosworth. Same soccer practice...two different interpretations....

'Lord Jesus, please help the people who can't pray. Please help the sick people. Please help Haiti and Africa. Please put their buildings back up. And God, please don't let the meteor hit our house.' Will Bosworth. Adler Planetarium, I don't think I have the right words to thank you for showing that meteor that hit that house in IL...

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! 'I'm brushing my teeth.' WITH YOUR SHIRT?! 'Will got toothpaste on my shirt and I didn't want to waste it.' Owen Bosworth.

'Mom, what do you love more, our cat or the outside world?' I can't really answer that. I love them both and would be so sad if I couldn't see either of them again. 'I knew you'd say that! I tricked you!!!' Will Bosworth...killing himself laughing.

'Mom, what was your favorite thing today? I don't really mean that, I just wanted you to ask me what my favorite thing was today.' Ooookkkkk, so what was your favorite thing today? 'I forget.' Owen Bosworth, once again displaying that selfless heart of his....

'OOOOOHHHHHH, my body is sticked together like glue! I need to stretch!' Will Bosworth making a very dramatic show of his unique stretching techniques. Bolt upright...revelation. 'Hey Mom, I know why old people break so much.' Um, why? 'Because their glue turns to cement and they break when they stretch!' Ahhh, yet another one of life's mysteries solved.

Father, Son, Holy Spirit. What's that called? 'Three guys together?' Owen Bosworth. Guess you have to be Christian to understand this one...

'I am so tired that I can't function.' Alex Bosworth, barely holding back the tears.

'WHERE ARE MY GREEN CONVERSE?!! I CAN'T FIND THEM!' Why don't you just wear another pair? 'MOM, THOSE ARE THE BEST! I DON'T WANT TO WEAR ANOTHER PAIR!' Tori Bosworth, apparently someone took her shoes and hid them on her while she was sleeping - again.

'I hate oatmeal. Why can't I just have peanut butter? Why are you always trying to kill me with breakfast?' Will Bosworth, head on the table, about to be sent back to his room.

'Mom, I love you and know that I'm your favorite.' Owen Bosworth, brilliantly beaming, realizing that he has hit the jackpot for the day.

'Lord Jesus please help my Dad to get done with work earlier. Oh, I guess I should call him Tim. His name is Tim. Well, his name is Tim Bosworth. His full name is Timothy Bosworth. (whispering) Mom, what's his other name? The one that we don't say?' I don't think you need that. 'Lord Jesus, I can't remember his other name and my Mom won't tell me what it is, but can you make Timothy Bosworth get done with work earlier so we can go on a bike ride? Or maybe baseball and I want to go skating but I know the skating time is during the middle of the day....and, and, and...' Just say Amen, Will. God gets it.

'Every single light in this house is on! Are you suddenly rich or something?' Will Bosworth. It's like looking down into the face of my father...

'Hugely overweight guy. On a motorcycle. Without a helmet. Smoking a cigarette. I count about 9 ways for him to die right now without really looking closely at the individual pieces of the big picture.' Alex Bosworth. I couldn't have said it better myself.

'Mom, President Obama was wrong.' Why? 'Remember when he was on TV and he said that every time you try something new you're going to be bad at it until you practice and practice?' Yeeeesss? 'This is my first time with this new egg-breaking way and I'm really good at it. Think I should call him and tell him?' Let this be a lesson everyone...you should cook with your kids! You never know what might come up.

'Mom, how much minutes till the morning?' It is the morning now. 'No, how much minutes until the light comes out?' Well, it's going to rain all day so the light may not come out. 'Doesn't the book say that if the light doesn't come out we don't go to school?' What book? 'Um, the RULE BOOK, Mom' (barely able to tolerate my ignorance) Will Bosworth. Another reason to hate rainy days....

'What did you put in my coffee?' Heavy whipping cream. 'What's heavy whipping cream?' The stuff that I make whipped cream out of. We're out of milk. It should be amazing, all thick and creamy. 'Yeeeaaahhh, I don't know. Are you sure it's not some goat rice soy breast milk? I'm not sure about the stuff you substitute with. I'm not drinking it.' I promised not to quote the husband, but I just couldn't resist this one....

'Lord Jesus, thank you for corn. That's it. That's all I've got.' Will Bosworth. Some days are better than others.

Owen, what was your favorite part of your day today? 'Did I go to school today?' Yes. 'Well, it wasn't that.' Owen Bosworth.

'Lord Jesus, please make the bad kids in my class be good and the good kids in my class get presents.' Will Bosworth. Anyone want to guess which category he falls into?

'Mom, I didn't pee in my bed, I peed in my pajamas...in my bed.' Will Bosworth

'YOU JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND!' Alex or Victoria Bosworth...on any given day...at any given time. I know this one isn't really funny, but since it is spoken (yelled) so frequently here, I thought it deserved a place of honor simply because it is so consistently a part of our interaction with each other.

'MOM, I FLATULATED!' What?! 'I flatulated.' Where did you learn that? 'Mrs. Moore told us that saying fart is not right. We're supposed to say we flatulated.' Ahh. 'Oh, there it goes again...I think I have a flatulated issue.' Owen Bosworth, making sure to flatulate as much as possible so as to be able to use his new word. The sisters are not at all happy about this...

'Mikayla, you look very grown up. Are you 11? Well you look 13 today.(wink)' Will Bosworth. To be a priest or a sleazy lounge guy, that is the question.

'Lord Jesus, thank you for our food. (whisper) Mom, are calories good or bad?' They're okay. '(normal voice) And thank you for the calories in our food. I hope we get more and more.' Will Bosworth. Guess I answered that one wrong, eh?

'I know I'm sick with something, I just don't know what yet.' Zachary's coming over after school today. 'Oooooh, I can be sick tomorrow instead.' Will Bosworth

'Lord Jesus, thank you for the guys who aren't trying to kill us.' Owen Bosworth

'Mom, Tori said I'm a baby.' Are you a baby? 'Mom, can't we just skip all that talk and go right away to where you say do you want me to beat her up? Yes, I want you to beat her up.' Will Bosworth

'Mom, there's the good word side and the bad word side. You keep crossing over the bad word line into the bad word side.' Will Bosworth. Still trying to save my soul....

'So God loves us so much that He likes to play with us ....like Lego guys or Thomas guys or something. I think more like Lego guys because the Thomas guys don't have legs that move.' Will Bosworth. Yet another interesting take on the Bible.

'She started having those contraptions or something. The baby is coming out today I guess.' Owen Bosworth. Contraptions?! Ahhhh.....